Hey, so here’s the deal. The honest truth, shitty as it may be or sound.
I’m fucking jealous, okay? It makes me sick to know that other people are more loved or popular than me when I’ve worked just as hard as they have. I don’t begrudge them their success, I just don’t know why I am never good enough for anyone or anything. I’m sorry to complain, but you know, when you’re down this fucking long and shit just keeps piling up, it’s overwhelming, and I am fucking bawling my eyes out right now. If this loses me viewers, the five or so that I even still have, then so be it. I’ve tried my best to come back, but it just seems to not be happening to mine or anyone else’s satisfaction. I’ve put myself out there, on here, on Facebook, and I’m trying to accept that this just is not in the cards for me. I’m not meant to do great things, period. I’ll admit it – I want attention! Everyone’s, all the time, because I’ve been fucked over so much I have no goddamn self-esteem. Any little bone someone tosses my way, I’ll take it. And when they take that bone away, I’m even worse than before. So, here it is – either be my friend or don’t. I deal with this shit everyday of my goddamn life, and I’ve tried to perky and sunshine and little miss perfect, but that isn’t me. If that’s what you’re expecting, don’t bother. I’m real, I’m me, and if you don’t like it, take it or leave it! My mind is a constant fucking battlefield, and I have to struggle with these horrible feelings of despair everyday. Please, don’t give me that shit about ‘everyone has bad days’. This isn’t a bad day, this is a bad six or seven fucking years. I’ve tried. Trying gets you nowhere obviously. This is brutally raw and honest. I’ll admit, I’m goddamn jealous. Why does everyone else catch all the breaks? In life, in relationships, online, on blogs?! When will I ever fucking matter enough? I mean, I don’t get it, I know I am fucking hideous and my writing is stupid and I always give away the endings, and I’m not some perfect little cunt, but cut me some fucking slack. I want to be here, and I want to be able to write, and I want to be able to get a million views and friends and comments, and likes. Sorry, but this is what technology has done to people like me. It’s how we fucking communicate, so it’s how we fucking know we’re important, sorry, but that’s the truth. Straight up. I’m sick of people saying, oh your day will come, fuck that! You got your shit now, I fucking want mine now. You know? I can’t help it. I figured since I’m an honest person, I might as well put this to good use, and spill my guts now, while they’re raw and fucking hanging outside my body, with salt constantly being rubbed into them. Sorry guys, if I’ve been a real cunt lately, but I’m here too. Hopefully you all will stick around, the few of you who are left, because I really do love you guys, and to be honest, as I always am, I want to come back. But I have no motivation, or drive, or self-esteem, and I don’t know how to fucking pull myself out of this. I constantly want to just pull my fucking hair out because NO ONE GETS IT! I’m sick of having to yell to get attention! If I were worthy, I’d already have the attention, right? So, I apologize for sounding psychotic, but I am not, just depressed and on some real shit right now, so I felt like sharing. Hope everyone’s having a great day. Mine, however, has sucked balls. I’ve apologized a lot in this long fucking run-on sentence and ridiculously long paragraph, but I’ll do it again – I’m sorry, sorry for not being here more, for not living up to your expectations, and I’m sorry for being me.