Hey, so here’s the deal. The honest truth, shitty as it may be or sound.

I’m fucking jealous, okay? It makes me sick to know that other people are more loved or popular than me when I’ve worked just as hard as they have. I don’t begrudge them their success, I just don’t know why I am never good enough for anyone or anything. I’m sorry to complain, but you know, when you’re down this fucking long and shit just keeps piling up, it’s overwhelming, and I am fucking bawling my eyes out right now. If this loses me viewers, the five or so that I even still have, then so be it. I’ve tried my best to come back, but it just seems to not be happening to mine or anyone else’s satisfaction. I’ve put myself out there, on here, on Facebook, and I’m trying to accept that this just is not in the cards for me. I’m not meant to do great things, period. I’ll admit it – I want attention! Everyone’s, all the time, because I’ve been fucked over so much I have no goddamn self-esteem. Any little bone someone tosses my way, I’ll take it. And when they take that bone away, I’m even worse than before. So, here it is – either be my friend or don’t. I deal with this shit everyday of my goddamn life, and I’ve tried to perky and sunshine and little miss perfect, but that isn’t me. If that’s what you’re expecting, don’t bother. I’m real, I’m me, and if you don’t like it, take it or leave it! My mind is a constant fucking battlefield, and I have to struggle with these horrible feelings of despair everyday. Please, don’t give me that shit about ‘everyone has bad days’. This isn’t a bad day, this is a bad six or seven fucking years. I’ve tried. Trying gets you nowhere obviously. This is brutally raw and honest. I’ll admit, I’m goddamn jealous. Why does everyone else catch all the breaks? In life, in relationships, online, on blogs?! When will I ever fucking matter enough? I mean, I don’t get it, I know I am fucking hideous and my writing is stupid and I always give away the endings, and I’m not some perfect little cunt, but cut me some fucking slack. I want to be here, and I want to be able to write, and I want to be able to get a million views and friends and comments, and likes. Sorry, but this is what technology has done to people like me. It’s how we fucking communicate, so it’s how we fucking know we’re important, sorry, but that’s the truth. Straight up. I’m sick of people saying, oh your day will come, fuck that! You got your shit now, I fucking want mine now. You know? I can’t help it. I figured since I’m an honest person, I might as well put this to good use, and spill my guts now, while they’re raw and fucking hanging outside my body, with salt constantly being rubbed into them. Sorry guys, if I’ve been a real cunt lately, but I’m here too. Hopefully you all will stick around, the few of you who are left, because I really do love you guys, and to be honest, as I always am, I want to come back. But I have no motivation, or drive, or self-esteem, and I don’t know how to fucking pull myself out of this. I constantly want to just pull my fucking hair out because NO ONE GETS IT! I’m sick of having to yell to get attention! If I were worthy, I’d already have the attention, right? So, I apologize for sounding psychotic, but I am not, just depressed and on some real shit right now, so I felt like sharing. Hope everyone’s having a great day. Mine, however, has sucked balls. I’ve apologized a lot in this long fucking run-on sentence and ridiculously long paragraph, but I’ll do it again – I’m sorry, sorry for not being here more, for not living up to your expectations, and I’m sorry for being me.

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About Aloha Mister Hand

28, horror-loving chick, lover of animals, movies, and her boyfriend.

11 responses »

  1. theipc says:

    Jamie – I will always be your friend. I promise you, I promise you I understand about feeling alone. I’m here if you want or need anything.

  2. scopophilia says:

    Actually I’m kinda jealous of you because you have 53,893 and I have only 30,000.

    I honestly like the way you put it all out there in your writing. My advice to you is watch the movie ‘Network’ because what the Howard Beal character says is right on target and that is ‘It’s all Bullshit’.

  3. psykko666 says:

    Doll, I know this won’t help. but you have to keep your chin up. You need to realize you are better than most of the others out there. If there’s one thing that’s true, it’s that life sucks. It’s how you deal with it that makes you strong. Fuck depression. I said that many a moon ago, and I have felt better. You just need to do what makes you happy. It’s not about the ‘people’ around you. It’s about who you are. If people can’t accept that, that’s their loss. You are special. Be strong. You are unique and your voice is necessary.

  4. Jamie– Dearest, You’re Not Getting Rid Of Me, Either. I’ll Be Your Friend To The End, If You Allow For Such A Thing To Occur. You And I Are A Lot Alike. Like, A LOT A LOT Alike.
    Except I Have A Penis. Other Than That, We’re Kindred Sisters In This Rat-Race Of Life. You Stay Strong, Dearest. If You Ever Need Anything I’m Capable Of Providing, You’ve Got It.
    Friends Are Exceptionally Hard To Find In This World.
    And I Consider You To Be One Of Mine.
    For Whatever That’s Worth.
    So, Chin-Up, Crewman.
    There’s Still A LOT Of Ground To Cover On This Little Ride, And I’d Like To Be Able To Travel It With You.
    Don’t Give-Up Your Writing.
    Keep It Rollin’.
    I’ve Found Solace In Putting Down The Words That I Sincerely Haven’t Felt Otherwise.
    Please Take Care, Jamie.
    Much Love To You, Always.
    -BRAD

  5. RaoulDukeKD says:

    Unfortunately, it’s not a question of worthiness. Personally, I love your writing, but it is difficult when there’s so much competition out there. The most important thing is staying true to yourself. Whether that’s in your blog, in relationships, whatever. If others don’t appreciate that, then fuck ’em. Know that those who are following what you do, including myself, love your work. It’s beautiful that you’ve been able to be so honest, and it sounds like an important step to pick yourself up, and understand that what you’re doing is great, and if you believe in yourself, you’ll continue to be great. I wish you nothing but the best.

    Kevin

  6. Tyson Carter says:

    You know my thoughts on this Jamie………Surely having a few people that WANT to read your stuff and care about you is better than thousands reading but not interacting or giving a shit. People want to read what you say, and care about you 🙂

  7. jmount43 says:

    Jamie, I am not going to stop being your friend just because you get stuff off your chest. Everyone needs to vent every now and then. I could tell by reading your post that you’ve had this bottled up inside you for a long time. You can’t do that, sweetie. You have to let it out in small to medium doses or else it’s going to eat away you like the bite of a brown recluse. I hope what I’m saying makes sense. I’m still your friend and that’s not going to change. Oh, and before I forget, you have a great blog! 😀

  8. Keep writing – I like it. I don’t know any blogger or writer that feels they have enough viewers or readers. 54060 hits isn’t too shabby kid 😀

  9. Brian says:

    If you like doing this, then keep doing it. You’re not going to get YouTube-like numbers on your site, but if you have a nice group of loyal readers who look forward to your stuff then it’s all fulfilling. Just like our site and our 2 loyal readers.

  10. ThereWolf says:

    Jesus, I’m off for two days and all hell busts loose…

    I’m sorry about the way your feeling. I was in a bad place once years ago, and the medication I was on sent me a bit like this. Couldn’t wait to get off it, but getting off it was worse. I left something of myself back there and I’ll never recover it again. Yelling made people afraid – for & of me. Plus it drew the kind of attention I didn’t want.

    For me, you write for the love of it; everything else is secondary. You can’t make people flood the site with ‘likes’ and adulation; take care of business and anyone who wings in is a bonus. Some folk just like a good read and don’t comment – you will be drawing a lot of people like that; I read a lot of your stuff before posting an actual comment. I know that’s no help to you right now.

    Not everyone is catching the breaks – one look at the National News will tell you that. I know that’s no help to you either.

    When you’re ready to write again, we’ll be ready to read. There’s no pressure. If I say things like ‘get yer arse in gear’ elsewhere – it’s light-hearted and not meant to trivialise what you’re going through.

    But if you feel the need to rant (& clearly you do) this is the best place for it.

    Take care, Jamie.

  11. I’m sorry, but excuse you. You know nothing about me or what I go through or deal with, and if you read, you’d know I said here AND other places on the internet. But thanks though.

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