- The Last House on the Left – What do I say? This movie is so terrible. First of all, since my favorite movie is the original, when I heard they were remaking it, I was furious, let alone that Wes Craven was in on it, too! Got mad love for Craven, but this movie is genuinely awful. What made the original so unique was completely absent in this remake, including the fact that Mari dies, not lives. I mean, come on! Also, I do not think the killers were scary in this movie, it totally seemed forced. The character of Junior in this movie, (called Justin?!), and Weasel (called Francis? Really?) were so far removed from the original concept. “Justin” was no longer sympathetic, and “Francis” possessed none of the perverted, calm sadism that Fred Lincoln exemplified in the original. I’m surprised they kept the name Krug! The girl who played Sadie, besides looking just like a girl I know, was so fucking annoying, I wanted them to kill her way sooner. Sadie is supposed to be some twisted version of a feminist totally in control of her own shit, but in the remake, she was a whining bitch who was so skinny, I could’ve kicked her ass. Sorry, but this movie sucks and is absolutely a sham.
- Friday the 13th – Someone needs to tell people to stop remaking movies. Seriously. This, next to LHOTL, is the worst remake I have ever seen. It is so dumb, and cheesy, and not in the way the original F13th‘s are dumb and cheesy. There is something totally different about the two. Jason is not scary in this at all, in fact, he looks really ignorant. Dumb new storyline too, Jason would never keep someone hostage. Why do they keep making these horrible films? Because they are trying to cash in on the success of the name of the franchise and they do not care that it is an abomination.
- I Spit On Your Grave – By now, you all know I have no problem with sick and perverted films, but this one made me want to take a shower. What a dumb idea to remake the original. It’s like they took all the most twisted things one could do to somebody else, and put them in this movie, right along with awful and degrading language. Sometimes, it’s a little too much. Plus, the sheriff? Gosh. This is one nasty flick. I feel like it missed the vengeance idea and skipped straight to torture-porn. It just made me feel strange and kind of queasy, honestly.
- The Amityville Horror – To be honest, this one wasn’t that bad. But I just do not think Ryan Reynolds and Melissa George fit the roles at all. It just seems like after a while, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.
- Psycho – Didn’t need remaking. Just like most films.
- The Fog – This one was just terrible. Completely pointless, not scary, and wasted my time. Another teeny-bopper version of a relatively kick ass concept that did nothing to pay homage to the original. It wasn’t even rated R for God’s sake. Avoid this disaster.
- The Hitcher – Another classic film remade in the vein of teeny-bopperisms. Enough already. Just cuz you get a couple of reasonably good-looking, relatively famous actors to be in your movie, does not mean it will not suck. Because it does. Hard-core suckage. Another waste of time.
- Children of the Corn (Made-for-TV) – Ah, yes, another shitty remake. No wonder it was only on television. I did not have high hopes for this, but I wanted to see how bad they messed it up, and boy, did they. First of all, that female lead character was one of the most annoying, nagging, passive-aggressive characters I have ever seen on film. I was not sad that she died; actually glad. The lead characters were not sympathetic, the back story was not really established as it pertains to Gatlin, “Isaac” was like five years old, instead of John Franklin’s portrayal of an older looking child. It seemed like they just grabbed some random kid and put him in a hat and told him to go stand in the corn. Plus, the sex scene? Gross. Totally unnecessary and ruins the story. I am not a prude, but sometimes, sex is unnecessary in movies, and this is one of them.
What do you guys think?