A Sincere Apology

First of all, I would like to sincerely apologize to all my real friends here at WordPress. For the most part, none of you have ever done anything directly to me to cause the wrath I’ve given over the last few weeks. However, my anger is real, and has a purpose. I know that reason isn’t always crystal clear because I seem to bitch about everything and nothing at the same time, so it is easy to label me as a ‘drama queen’. I however, am not – this is a severe misconception.

When you are in a depression-induced funk, everything seems phony and every nicety comes across as farce. Sometimes, this is accurate, sometimes it is not. I am apologizing for those times I was wrong. I am not apologizing for the times I wasn’t wrong. When I get this way, I push people away just to see if they’ll come back. I don’t know if this is a result of my father basically abandoning me for most of my life, or if it’s my depression and anxiety, or some whacked-out combination of the two. I tend to think it is a combination. But that doesn’t mean I am or was always wrong. People have treated me like garbage – worse than garbage, because people throw trash away in a container. I’m more like litter. Use me, spit me out, and leave me helpless on a sidewalk still wondering what the fuck happened, with my jaw nearly to the floor in utter amazement and dumbfounded-ness. This state is one in which I have spent the majority of my adult life and several of my teen years, as well.

For starters, I’d like to point out that rude is rude, online or not, and just because one is online, not in person, does not mean that you can simply tear them to shreds, not consider context, or be a fucking troll just for the hell of it without repercussions, hurt feelings, or at the very least, questions. You do that to someone, especially someone like me, and you will be nagged to death about it. So, either have an answer pre-prepared for that scenario, or just consider how you speak to me or treat me from the get-go. If someone does the latter, we would not run into these problems. This is not to say that I’m any better than anyone else, or anything of the like – quite the opposite actually. I am simply more open and vocal about it. I am upfront, and honest, and I don’t sugarcoat anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t consider others’ feelings in the process. I think about what I would like done to me in a similar situation (The Golden Rule), and I think before I speak. Obviously, this is easier to do online than in person, but that’s where we are right now, right? Online? And that is also not to say that I am perfect or that I never make mistakes – I do. But I try, I really TRY, and my intentions are never mean, ugly, harsh, or manipulative. I think we are all capable of trying a little harder, and not being as much of a douche-bag as you could potentially be, and that is all I ask.

If you want to be my friend, be my friend. If you don’t, tell me straight up, and don’t use me when there’s nothing else for you to do or you’re bored. That is not going to fly. No longer going to be the case in my life. That doesn’t make me a bitch now all of a sudden, it’s called standing up for myself when I should have been doing that all along. No more doormat for me. Jamie will no longer be decor for your muddy shoes to stand upon. If I could ask one favor? And of course, as I’ve said throughout this whole post, this doesn’t apply to everyone, but some. If you start talking to me, and do it continuously, on a regular or semi-daily basis, I am going to think we are friends. If that is not so, please do not even bother starting. Because I don’t like change, I actively despise it, and don’t feel like having to decipher who my friends are anymore. We are far too old and supposedly mature for this. Treat me right, or don’t treat me at all, as my grandmother told me. That being said, I am also going to try to be a better friend. I’d love to be close and buddy up with all of you! I get that not everyone is going to like me in life, for whatever reason, or no reason at all. But that doesn’t mean that I will not try my damndest to get you to see the real me, to see me differently, to change your view of me. Because, honestly, guys? Throughout this last year of blogging with you, I’ve opened up a hell of a lot. More so than to 99% of the my friends and family in person, so don’t think this is some easy or frivolous thing I am doing here.

If you tell me I’m pretty, I’m going to either argue with you, or brush it off. That is because 99% of the time, I don’t believe I am pretty. That is not because I am being a bitch or a shallow cunt. It’s because I don’t believe that people could actually be genuine and nice to me after everything I have been through. Shit builds up and it takes its toll, believe me. It does for most people, but I have major depression and do not try to use it as a crutch, but I do not have the same coping skills that a lot of you have, or seem to have. That’s another thing – most of you go through really bad times too, but you can deal, or you simply don’t talk about it or let it get you down. I don’t have that. I wear my mood, heart, emotions, and guts on my sleeve, and they end up here, being delivered unto you right through my fingertips. If this makes sense, thank you. If it doesn’t make sense, thank you, too. I am trying my best, and for those I have been mean to undeservedly, I am truly and sincerely apologetic. For those who deserve it, well, just think of yourselves as steps on my journey to reinvention, to a better, happier, and hopefully healthier and less paranoid, conclusion-jumping Jamie. I love you all, and thank you to those who deserve it, as well as a third, but probably not final, apology.

Thanks for reading, as always! :)

Still Don’t Get It.

People are so funny. I will never understand them. I know, I’m a bitchy, whiny, depressing cunt, but maybe it’s because people have made me that way. People actually talk to me like dirt. One “friend” told me to shut up and be grateful that he was actually speaking to me. The same one has to decide whether or not he wants to hang out with me again. Another called me ‘irrelevant’. This is in the last 24 hours. And people wonder why I’m so upset? Really? People suck. Some are more special than others I suppose. I just want to know what I did wrong to anyone to deserve this treatment. People on here, people on Facebook, and in real life. Am I that much of a hideous fucking chode? Tell me! Because I don’t get it! If there’s something I’m not doing right, let me know, because I can’t possibly have deserved all this rudeness. Sorry for not being fucking cool enough for you to associate with. Sorry for burdening you with my fucking life, and sorry I tried to be FRIENDS with some people. Why do I deserve this, while others get special treatment? Do I exist just to suffer? To be your laughing stock? To be ignored and unworthy? Seems so.

Just In Case….

Hey darlings!

Just in case you haven’t liked my new-ish Facebook page, Last Page on the Left, here is the link again!

http://www.facebook.com/lastpageontheleft

Thanks again for all the support and love! <3

Write again perhaps later today!!

I’m Just Saying – Part One

This is a new feature I am experimenting with for my blog, a weekly edition of what I call, ‘I’m Just Saying’. Let’s go.

The topic of this week’s ‘I’m Just Saying’ is children. Not all children, but most children. As a single, non-maternal 25-year-old, I have no children and have no want, longing, inclination, or desire to even have them. Conceiving or adopting. Not interested. What gets under my skin, surprisingly even more than the archaic idea that all women must want and must have children, is the attention that children receive. No, silly, I don’t mean parental attention – obviously, I want people to feed, shelter, and clothe their children, not to mention keep them quiet around me. I mean this utter ridiculousness that goes on on Facebook.

Every day, sometimes countless times a day, usually once every 2-3 hours, I am subjected to this mind-numbing plethora of baby pictures. I understand sharing a few sometimes – special occasions, big deals, injuries, firsts, and the like. But I don’t need nor do I want to see a picture of your child sleeping, licking their hands, drooling, Photoshopped to look like a model, and especially NAKED! In most jurisdictions these days, whether rightly or wrongly, they would classify naked pictures of children and babies as pedophiliac porn. Don’t say I didn’t warn you – and do you really think in the midst of all those ‘friends’ you have that someone might be ‘like-ing’ them a little too much? I’m just saying.

I’m glad you love your children, and despite what people think – not wanting children on, around, or near me does NOT equate to me wishing them harm, et cetera. I think they stink, they’re loud, they’re annoying, and they’re too damn needy if you ask me. I know you didn’t ask me. But I’m telling you anyway. I mean, I’m just saying….cool it with the pictures. I am generally not interested or impressed 99% of the time. There are surely more things in one’s life than children. And don’t tell me your children are your life or how hard being a mom or single mom is. Face it – you chose to have children. Let’s see, there’s birth control, abstinence, abortion, to name a few. When it’s your own goddamn choice, don’t make yourself sound so self-important because you’re a mother, or father. As Shania would say, “That don’t impress me much!”

Thanks for reading :)

A Burst of Good News and a Sigh of Relief

My mom is CANCER-FREE! <3

Thanks for everyone’s support for everything you’ve ever done or said, past, present, and future!

:)

Ways to Improve Online Communication (Thus Avoiding Argument and Misunderstanding)

Since I am constantly bitching and getting confused about online communication, I thought I’d make a little post about what we can all do to improve our communication, and thus avoid confrontation, arguments, and misunderstandings. Seeing as how the only way we communicate theses days seems to be online (for the majority of the time, don’t deny it), it is important that we reestablish the lines of communications and the etiquette (or not) with which we employ it. Let’s get right to it!

1. If you are being funny or sarcastic, always use a silly emoticon, or use the phrases: “LOL”, “Psshh…”, “LMAO”, or “Haha”. These can be interchangeable and really prevent unnecessary misunderstandings and keeps the conversation flowing at a good pace, without one having to stop and question what something meant or how it was actually meant to sound. Do this in the first place, and you won’t be told “Uhh, gee thanks?” or “WTF asshole!”

2. Check your status! Are you online or not? Green light, for instance, on Facebook denotes that you are online. Don’t be a forgetful douchebag and forget to turn off your online status. People will message you, and get angry that you are not responding. Simple common courtesy that is not too common. You’ll find most of this post will contain common sense techniques!

3. Do not leave a conversation right in the middle of it, and do not leave without saying you’re doing so. This is simply rude, whether you’re online, in person, or on the phone. Barring a real emergency or power outage, there is NO excuse for this rude ass behavior. Man (or woman) the fuck up and let someone know something. There’s nothing I hate more than when someone just up and stops speaking like you’re boring them, and then later they come back like, “Whaaa? What’s wrong?” What’s wrong? You’re being a dick unnecessarily, so STOP.

4. On Facebook in particular, don’t read someone’s message, then ignore it. It shows with a checkmark that you have read it. If you “can’t write back at this moment”, then why are you fucking checking it in the first place? Makes no sense. And if you’re that busy, stop commenting on pictures of naked women and responding to other people while ignoring me. I can see that shit too, you know. Quit being rude, and if you’re that busy, don’t check the message period. It will save you unnecessary strife, and I won’t have to get pissed off. It’s a win-win. Nothing I hate more than being purposefully ignored. Don’t want to talk to me? Then why are we friends?

These are just a few suggestions on how to improve online communication with me and others. Because I can assure you, others are bothered with these issue too – I’m just the one to make it loud and public. Someone’s got to speak up about rudeness in ANY format or method of communication. Just don’t be rude! Like I said, unless your wife/husband, kid, or pet is dying, your house is on fire, or you’re being robbed, don’t be douchebag-like and just forget etiquette. Because regardless of the method or manner, it shows your true colors. Oh, and don’t be one of those people who will only talk to someone when they need something. Rude.

Thank you for reading, as always! :)

Some Recent Photography

Hey lovely folks! :)

No one appreciated this on Facebook, because on there, you have to have six little brats running around or be naked to get your pics noticed, so I figured a cool fuckin’ crowd like you might appreciate them!

::i really hope you do.::

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One of my favorite places :)

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No one notices the beauty of cemetery trees….in the snow….

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No Zombies in this cemetery, too cold…..

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Outside my apartment, winter sunsets are too AMAZING for words!

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Winter Sunsets = <3

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I am obsessed…….

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….with M&M’s lately!

New Contact Information

Hey folks!

I made a new e-mail account since my other one is what I use for everything else, so it becomes difficult to find real messages. If you want to e-mail me, please use this:

pookie_mazookie@yahoo.com

Thanks guys! <3

The End of an Era – Beginning of Another

You know, folks, I’ve had it up to here ^ and I’m not even that tall.

Thanks to you true friends out there who care.

Those who don’t, let me know now so I know not to bother anymore.

Since everyone’s friends with everyone on Facebook now except me, I guess this shall have to suffice. This is a continuation of my last post, and you know, I just cannot get SEEN anywhere I go, not online, and especially not in person. Am I that much of a hideous fucking chode? I like to think not. I just think some people are missing out, because I can be a great friend and person to be around, but people just seem content on burning their bridges with me, and I don’t get it. I’m really sick of trying to beat myself senseless trying to impress people on the internet and my real life. How hard is it to just tell someone if you don’t want to talk to them? Why be a big pussy ass bitch and ignore them one minute and act nice the next? This sounds psychotic to me.

From now on, I’m going to do me, or the best me I can be. I love acknowledgment and validation, but I’ve just accepted that the world blows, and it’s not meant to be for me. So, like I said last night, if you choose to stick around, that’s awesome and you are loved and needed. If you don’t like what I say, you know…..sorry boutcha. I will still bitch and moan and complain or whatever people call being opinionated and honest.

Good day! And love to all who deserve it! :)

And my new follower — thank you, man!

So, here’s the deal. Straight up.

Hey, so here’s the deal. The honest truth, shitty as it may be or sound.

I’m fucking jealous, okay? It makes me sick to know that other people are more loved or popular than me when I’ve worked just as hard as they have. I don’t begrudge them their success, I just don’t know why I am never good enough for anyone or anything. I’m sorry to complain, but you know, when you’re down this fucking long and shit just keeps piling up, it’s overwhelming, and I am fucking bawling my eyes out right now. If this loses me viewers, the five or so that I even still have, then so be it. I’ve tried my best to come back, but it just seems to not be happening to mine or anyone else’s satisfaction. I’ve put myself out there, on here, on Facebook, and I’m trying to accept that this just is not in the cards for me. I’m not meant to do great things, period. I’ll admit it – I want attention! Everyone’s, all the time, because I’ve been fucked over so much I have no goddamn self-esteem. Any little bone someone tosses my way, I’ll take it. And when they take that bone away, I’m even worse than before. So, here it is – either be my friend or don’t. I deal with this shit everyday of my goddamn life, and I’ve tried to perky and sunshine and little miss perfect, but that isn’t me. If that’s what you’re expecting, don’t bother. I’m real, I’m me, and if you don’t like it, take it or leave it! My mind is a constant fucking battlefield, and I have to struggle with these horrible feelings of despair everyday. Please, don’t give me that shit about ‘everyone has bad days’. This isn’t a bad day, this is a bad six or seven fucking years. I’ve tried. Trying gets you nowhere obviously. This is brutally raw and honest. I’ll admit, I’m goddamn jealous. Why does everyone else catch all the breaks? In life, in relationships, online, on blogs?! When will I ever fucking matter enough? I mean, I don’t get it, I know I am fucking hideous and my writing is stupid and I always give away the endings, and I’m not some perfect little cunt, but cut me some fucking slack. I want to be here, and I want to be able to write, and I want to be able to get a million views and friends and comments, and likes. Sorry, but this is what technology has done to people like me. It’s how we fucking communicate, so it’s how we fucking know we’re important, sorry, but that’s the truth. Straight up. I’m sick of people saying, oh your day will come, fuck that! You got your shit now, I fucking want mine now. You know? I can’t help it. I figured since I’m an honest person, I might as well put this to good use, and spill my guts now, while they’re raw and fucking hanging outside my body, with salt constantly being rubbed into them. Sorry guys, if I’ve been a real cunt lately, but I’m here too. Hopefully you all will stick around, the few of you who are left, because I really do love you guys, and to be honest, as I always am, I want to come back. But I have no motivation, or drive, or self-esteem, and I don’t know how to fucking pull myself out of this. I constantly want to just pull my fucking hair out because NO ONE GETS IT! I’m sick of having to yell to get attention! If I were worthy, I’d already have the attention, right? So, I apologize for sounding psychotic, but I am not, just depressed and on some real shit right now, so I felt like sharing. Hope everyone’s having a great day. Mine, however, has sucked balls. I’ve apologized a lot in this long fucking run-on sentence and ridiculously long paragraph, but I’ll do it again – I’m sorry, sorry for not being here more, for not living up to your expectations, and I’m sorry for being me.