First of all, I would like to sincerely apologize to all my real friends here at WordPress. For the most part, none of you have ever done anything directly to me to cause the wrath I’ve given over the last few weeks. However, my anger is real, and has a purpose. I know that reason isn’t always crystal clear because I seem to bitch about everything and nothing at the same time, so it is easy to label me as a ‘drama queen’. I however, am not – this is a severe misconception.
When you are in a depression-induced funk, everything seems phony and every nicety comes across as farce. Sometimes, this is accurate, sometimes it is not. I am apologizing for those times I was wrong. I am not apologizing for the times I wasn’t wrong. When I get this way, I push people away just to see if they’ll come back. I don’t know if this is a result of my father basically abandoning me for most of my life, or if it’s my depression and anxiety, or some whacked-out combination of the two. I tend to think it is a combination. But that doesn’t mean I am or was always wrong. People have treated me like garbage – worse than garbage, because people throw trash away in a container. I’m more like litter. Use me, spit me out, and leave me helpless on a sidewalk still wondering what the fuck happened, with my jaw nearly to the floor in utter amazement and dumbfounded-ness. This state is one in which I have spent the majority of my adult life and several of my teen years, as well.
For starters, I’d like to point out that rude is rude, online or not, and just because one is online, not in person, does not mean that you can simply tear them to shreds, not consider context, or be a fucking troll just for the hell of it without repercussions, hurt feelings, or at the very least, questions. You do that to someone, especially someone like me, and you will be nagged to death about it. So, either have an answer pre-prepared for that scenario, or just consider how you speak to me or treat me from the get-go. If someone does the latter, we would not run into these problems. This is not to say that I’m any better than anyone else, or anything of the like – quite the opposite actually. I am simply more open and vocal about it. I am upfront, and honest, and I don’t sugarcoat anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t consider others’ feelings in the process. I think about what I would like done to me in a similar situation (The Golden Rule), and I think before I speak. Obviously, this is easier to do online than in person, but that’s where we are right now, right? Online? And that is also not to say that I am perfect or that I never make mistakes – I do. But I try, I really TRY, and my intentions are never mean, ugly, harsh, or manipulative. I think we are all capable of trying a little harder, and not being as much of a douche-bag as you could potentially be, and that is all I ask.
If you want to be my friend, be my friend. If you don’t, tell me straight up, and don’t use me when there’s nothing else for you to do or you’re bored. That is not going to fly. No longer going to be the case in my life. That doesn’t make me a bitch now all of a sudden, it’s called standing up for myself when I should have been doing that all along. No more doormat for me. Jamie will no longer be decor for your muddy shoes to stand upon. If I could ask one favor? And of course, as I’ve said throughout this whole post, this doesn’t apply to everyone, but some. If you start talking to me, and do it continuously, on a regular or semi-daily basis, I am going to think we are friends. If that is not so, please do not even bother starting. Because I don’t like change, I actively despise it, and don’t feel like having to decipher who my friends are anymore. We are far too old and supposedly mature for this. Treat me right, or don’t treat me at all, as my grandmother told me. That being said, I am also going to try to be a better friend. I’d love to be close and buddy up with all of you! I get that not everyone is going to like me in life, for whatever reason, or no reason at all. But that doesn’t mean that I will not try my damndest to get you to see the real me, to see me differently, to change your view of me. Because, honestly, guys? Throughout this last year of blogging with you, I’ve opened up a hell of a lot. More so than to 99% of the my friends and family in person, so don’t think this is some easy or frivolous thing I am doing here.
If you tell me I’m pretty, I’m going to either argue with you, or brush it off. That is because 99% of the time, I don’t believe I am pretty. That is not because I am being a bitch or a shallow cunt. It’s because I don’t believe that people could actually be genuine and nice to me after everything I have been through. Shit builds up and it takes its toll, believe me. It does for most people, but I have major depression and do not try to use it as a crutch, but I do not have the same coping skills that a lot of you have, or seem to have. That’s another thing – most of you go through really bad times too, but you can deal, or you simply don’t talk about it or let it get you down. I don’t have that. I wear my mood, heart, emotions, and guts on my sleeve, and they end up here, being delivered unto you right through my fingertips. If this makes sense, thank you. If it doesn’t make sense, thank you, too. I am trying my best, and for those I have been mean to undeservedly, I am truly and sincerely apologetic. For those who deserve it, well, just think of yourselves as steps on my journey to reinvention, to a better, happier, and hopefully healthier and less paranoid, conclusion-jumping Jamie. I love you all, and thank you to those who deserve it, as well as a third, but probably not final, apology.
Thanks for reading, as always!